The Science of Sexual Desire and How You Can Improve Your Sex Life

Before writing his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, Justin Lehmiller found himself unsatisfied with the prevailing research around sexual fantasies. In his work as a psychologist, Lehmiller had noticed that discussions around anything outside of traditional cis-hetero desire were filled with shame, guilt, and even fear. Looking deeper, he observed that there was actually very little research on fantasy at all, a situation he felt called upon to change. With this inspiration in mind, Lehmiller began work on what he would later call “The Largest Survey of Sexual Fantasies in America," a humongous 4,000-person, 350-question survey all about fantasy and desire. In Tell Me What You Want, Lehmiller presents the findings of this survey, impressively illustrating the inner workings of the fantastical mind while showing how we can use this information to communicate our desires. Tell Me What You Want is a remarkable entry into the canon of human sexuality research, providing an unflinching look at the diversity of sexual expression that allows readers to pursue a better understanding of their fantasies with pride.

One of the most interesting parts of Tell Me What You Want is Lehmiller's analysis of popular fantasies as specified in his survey. To ascertain what people most frequently fantasized about, Lehmiller asked his subjects the broad question, "What is your biggest sexual fantasy?" and then asked several sub-questions including "What does your ideal partner look like in your fantasy?", "In which setting does your fantasy take place?" etc. The results showed that the most common fantasies of the surveyed population were:

• Multipartner Sex
• Power, Control, and Rough Sex
• Novelty, Adventure, and Variety
• Taboo and Forbidden Sex
• Partner Sharing and Non Monogamous Relationships
• Passion and Romance
• Erotic Flexibility–Specifically, Homoeroticism and Gender-Bending

Lehmiller discusses these categories in great detail, examining the specific intricacies of each fantasy while also providing examples of real fantasies written about in his survey. His analysis offers unique insight into the diversity of fantastical expression, using statistical data to provide an overview of frequently indicated preferences and showing how demographic differences impact these desires. I found this conversation very engaging and especially appreciated how Lehmiller continued to emphasize the normalcy of fantasies, assuring the reader in the subtitle of the second chapter that, "If you're turned on by any of this, you're in good company."

In the back half of the book, Lehmiller builds upon this declaration of normalcy to show how shame may be impacting our sex lives and how we can combat the sexual dysfunctions that come from repressing our desires. Lehmiller advocates for open communication about fantasies, even if we feel embarrassed by them. He shares the benefits–more trust, happiness, sexual satisfaction–that come from sharing our fantasies and methods for how to initiate conversations of this nature. He also shows us the responses from his survey confirming the real-life benefits his subjects have seen from having these conversations, writing, "The participants who shared their favorite fantasies of all time with their partners reported having the most satisfying sex lives, the happiest relationships, and the fewest difficulties with sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm." I found these observations especially compelling since Lehmilller emphasizes that the act of sharing alone, with no action necessary, is enough to reap these benefits. I find this idea makes the thought of confiding our desires much more approachable and is a good, no-pressure starting point for exploring our fantasies with our partners.

Ultimately, Tell Me What You Want is an excellent introduction to the world of fantasy and how we discuss it societally and within our relationships. I found that Lehmiller's analysis provided an accessible overview of his impressive research that psychology fans of any experience level will love. Lehmiller's sex-positive approach to fantasy will give the reader a new, shame-free outlook on desire that is both refreshing and necessary in the year of 2024. While I did really enjoy this book, I do wish that Lehmiller would have spent more time discussing fantasy within queer relationships. Tell Me What You Want mainly focuses on cis-hetero relationships and how fantasy functions within them. I would have loved to see more specifics about fantasy and communication within queer communities and feel like this would make the book feel more complete. This shortcoming, however, does show that there is a lot of room for more research of this type to be done and I am very excited to see how this field develops in the coming years!