Book Review PolyWise

Jessica Fern and David Cooley team up for an incredible contribution to our collective knowledge about what is needed to practice ethical non-monogamy with intention and authenticity. Though this book follows Polysecure, some may consider it a prequel rather than a sequel. While Polysecure focuses mainly on the cultivation of secure attachment within polyamorous relationships, Polywise dedicates a significant amount of time to talking about the transition from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy.

The authors of Polywise begin the book with the invitation to make the shift to an ethically non-monogamous paradigm. In order to make this paradigm shift and transition from monogamy to polyamory, one must first assess their internal bias towards this relationship structure. What follows, is a deconstruction of the beliefs informed by these biases with the intention of making room for beliefs that feel true to your values and experiences. For example, the monogamous belief is that there is a finite amount of love to give in a romantic relationship and that this finite resource should be allocated to our one relationship. Instead, within the ethically non-monogamous paradigm, love is not viewed as a finite resource - i.e. just because you love one person does not mean you love someone else any less. There are many exercises throughout this book that empower readers to look at their existing beliefs about polyamory and engage in this paradigm shift.

Making a large structural change in a relationship takes thought and conversation. No matter what relationship structure you are looking to adopt, it is important that it is something you have chosen with intent and all parties are on-board with. As Fern and Cooley discuss transitions, they acknowledge that there can be uncertainty and resistance. These feelings are normal and don't mean that you can't pursue ethical non-monogamy. Polywise introduces exercises rooted in Internal Family Systems like LOVE U and EASE. Through these exercises, readers can learn techniques for understanding the parts of them that struggle with the non-monogamous paradigm shift and obtain tools for soothing those parts. These insights will lead to individuals being better equipped to communicate boundaries, feelings, and needs to their partners.

Polywise normalizes conflict and empowers readers to embrace difficult conversations. Cooley roots his discussion about effective conflict resolution in the practice of restorative justice. He calls out the tendency in Western culture for conflit to require a "right" and "wrong", with the "wrong" person facing punitive measures. This not only voids any nuance to the conflict at hand, but pushes people to take defensive stances that prevent forward movement. An approach to conflict grounded in restorative justice, instead, encourages individuals to come to the table with curiosity for the opportunity to develop understanding and connection. The exercises provided in this section give readers a template for bringing this philosophy to their conflict and are an incredible resource.

Polywise provides readers with an approachable, empathetic, and comprehensive guide to transitions in ethical non-monogamy. Fern's extensive knowledge as a therapist and expertise in the field is complimented by David Cooley's background in restorative justice. While I would recommend both Polysecure and Polywise to anyone considering a transition to ethical non-monogamy, Polywise has information and exercises tailored specifically to this challenge.