As a couples therapist specializing in sex therapy, I can tell you that a lot of the most vital work we do is simply helping partners grow comfortable discussing and truly understanding how the other person experiences their sexuality.
Talking about sex can be one of the most vulnerable things you do. I often hear fears of rejection, judgment, and shame. But it doesn't have to be that way! That's why I've pulled together 20 questions designed to help you and your partner better understand one another, receive each other's answers with curiosity, and potentially spark new levels of intimacy.
My goal is to show you there's absolutely no reason you can't have these kinds of deep discussions at home, and that they can actually be a fun, exciting part of your date night.
Questions About Sexual Desire
- How has your typical level of sexual desire changed over time, and what do you think might influence those changes?
- What are the biggest turn-ons for you, both physical and non-physical (e.g., emotional connection, a particular mood, a compliment)?
- What typically makes you less interested in sex or intimacy (e.g., stress, fatigue, timing)?
- How important is scheduling or planning sex for you, versus spontaneity?
- How do you prefer to initiate sex or communicate that you're in the mood?
- How do you feel about our current frequency of sex? Is it too much, too little, or just right for you?
- What kind of non-sexual intimacy (cuddling, deep conversation, holding hands) helps build your desire for sex?
- Are there times of day or specific situations where your desire is usually highest?
- What is one thing I could do more often outside of the bedroom that would make you feel more desired or "in the mood?"
- Do you find it easy or difficult to connect your emotional feelings for me with your sexual desire, and why?
Questions About Fantasy and Exploration
- What is a specific sexual fantasy you have that you've never shared with me before?
- Is there an activity, role, or scenario in a fantasy that you would be interested in exploring in real life (or a gentle variation of it)?
- Is there a specific type of intimacy (e.g., power dynamic, pace, location) that you enjoy fantasizing about?
- How do you feel when I share my fantasies with you? Does it make you more or less excited?
- What are your boundaries regarding fantasies versus reality (i.e., what are you happy to talk about versus what you would never want to act out)?
- What's one thing we've done in the past that you'd like to repeat or do more often?
- Is there a piece of media (book, movie, song, art) that has sparked a sexual idea or fantasy for you?
- When you masturbate, what are the common themes or images you focus on, and how does that relate to our sex life?
- What's a sexual boundary or "hard no" do you have that you want to make sure I respect?
- If we could try one new sexual thing (act, dress, roleplay, toy, etc) in the next month, what would you choose?
